“Hey, have you heard about that horror movie where the girl has a vagina full of teeth?”
I’m the sort of person who, if someone says this to me, I’ll be stepping over my grandmother to look it up and find a copy. I love a good horror movie, but I’m picky. Run-of-the-mill remakes are uninspired, unoriginal and wholly life-sucking, and I’ve got no time for them. Give me an inventive, original film I can really…sink my teeth into.
Teeth is a 2007 horror film by Mitchell Lichtenstein, who went on to direct Demi Moore in a family drama (how very sad for us all). It’s the story of an awkward teenage girl who grew up near a nuclear reactor and suffers from a unique physical condition called “vagina dentata” – a fancy Latin way of saying she has a coochie full of canines. Guys, look at the image below and imagine sliding your manhood into that:
If you can parallel-park that image in your psyche, then you’ve got a taste for the unique sensation of terror that Teeth can elicit. The photo to the right isn’t from the film – it’s a photo of some fishermen in the Congo catching some crazy-ass weird fish. Teeth doesn’t actually show you the girl’s toothy lovebox, and for one I’m thankful for that. What you do see are several severed male appendages, and for one I cringed at every bloody one of them.
The afflicted chick is Dawn O’Keefe, portrayed by the very pretty Jess Weixler, a young blonde who’s gone on to appear on TV shows including “Law And Order” and “Medium”. Dawn first learns of her odd adaptation when, as a little girl, her half-brother nearly loses a finger trying to muff-dive in a tiny plastic pool. As a teenager, Dawn is terrified of her own Pandora’s Box and becomes a crusader for The Purity movement (those odd kids who wear colored plastic rings to symbolize their virginity). Of course, teenage hormones win over spiritual constraints, and she finds herself naked in a grotto cave as Lil Miss Muffet snacks on a rapist’s Wang Chung (the term “Boner Graveyard” has never been more appropriate). She visits a gynecologist in what turns out to be the funniest hygenic exam scene I’ve ever witnessed.
I don’t want to give away the movie, because this one makes my “Must See” list. It’s an innovative and disturbing mutation of the standard “coming-of-age” tale, expertly navigated by Lichtenstein and brilliantly performed by Weixler. It’s currently available on DVD and Netflix Instant Streaming. Check it out, and leave a comment to let me know what you thought.